The tea caddy platter
Fell with a clatter,
The sugar brown
with gray matter.
But it was soon to transpire
That she did not expire

Wearing a napkin as a smock
He stabbed her with her fork
Till she was holey as toast
Did she at last give up the ghost

He then knifed her
with such fervor
To ensure she was truly dead,
Like a Thanksgiving turkey
Her gibbets fell on the jerky
And left the salad dressed in red.

Followed by a gesture
Of Oedipal measure;
He pulled out all the stops
And began to spoon her lifeless corpse.

The coroner said
in his Mainland drawl,
“Ne’er ‘ave I seen such a sprawl”
“I ‘ave seen brats do their worse,
but up till now dis brat’s wurst!”
“De things he did when ‘e off’d ‘er,
‘Ave you seen a more literal motherforker?”

In her wedding dress, white as a dove
Her hand so soft, in that satin glove
As I stood on the altar
I thanked the heavens above
For blessing me, with my one true love.

The union you are about to enter today is the closest and most tender of all relationships in which human beings can come

I have traveled the world, many a place I have been
But never have I been happier than to be beside
The woman whom I made my bride

But now to the other side I must go
Three weeks or less, the doctor told me so
Though bewrought with fear, I must persevere
To be stronger for those whom I hold dear

Love never fails, never fades out, never becomes obsolete or comes to an end

I picture her leaving
The doors unlocked for me
She had come to understand
That I’d always forget my key

I picture her making
Double the food she needs
And then realizing
I’m down feeding the weeds

I picture her looking
At the photographs from a happier time
Always together
My hand in hers, her hand in mine

I picture her alone
In a house now cold
Reminiscing of the plans we made
For when we both got old

I picture the situation in reverse
Of if my wife had left me first
How I must live in sorrow
In a life just waiting for tomorrow

Will you love her, comfort her, honour and keep her in sickness and in
health, and forsaking all others keep her and only her as long as you both shall live?

I remember our wedding vows,
That if she’d live a thousand years
Then I would live a thousand, less one day
To spare me of the tears

I should have asked what she would have thought
Though she makes nary a peep
But it is to be expected
Since I decapitated her in her sleep

You may kiss the bride

He resorted to acts of indiscretion
in a futile bid for female attention
In one stunt he ran out of luck
and got run over by a truck

Praise the medical profession
for they prevented a funeral procession
They rebuilt him with electronic parts
With an xBox, Playstation, even Mario Kart

These additions brought him joy
for who could resist a Game Boy?

But alas, he still didn’t get the dames
Cause most girls weren’t interested in games
Boys came to him like honey attracts the bee
Until Nintendo released the Wii

Now sitting alone on the shelf
He’s resorted to playing with himself

Anyway, do you think I said ‘dead’ and ‘death’ enough?

Die!

On to the quotes from his books and his person:

• A common mistake that people make when trying to design something completely foolproof is to underestimate the ingenuity of complete fools.
• He hoped and prayed that there wasn’t an afterlife. Then he realized there was a contradiction involved here and merely hoped that there wasn’t an afterlife.
• I don’t believe it. Prove it to me and I still won’t believe it.
• I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I intended to be.
• I think fish is nice, but then I think that rain is wet, so who am I to judge?
• I’m spending a year dead for tax reasons.
• If it looks like a duck, and quacks like a duck, we have at least to consider the possibility that we have a small aquatic bird of the family anatidae on our hands.
• In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.
• The difficulty with this conversation is that it’s very different from most of the ones I’ve had of late. Which, as I explained, have mostly been with trees.
• The major difference between a thing that might go wrong and a thing that cannot possibly go wrong is that when a thing that cannot possibly go wrong goes wrong it usually turns out to be impossible to get at and repair.
• There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable.There is another theory which states that this has already happened.
• This must be Thursday. I never could get the hang of Thursdays.
• We have normality. I repeat, we have normality. Anything you still can’t cope with is therefore your own problem.
• You live and learn. At any rate, you live.

I love you..

Power often illicits a near Pavlovian response. Well conditioned for distraction, the antics of political strongmen easily leave us chomping at the bit for more, seduced by the details of their bodies as much as their minds. Over the course of the 20th Century, with the advent of photography and rapid-fire communications technology, we have come to fully understand the importance of aesthetics. We desire and better trust leaders with muscles as firm as their policies. Since beautiful women make the best actresses, and talent is so clearly related to desirability, why wouldn’t a hard stance on geopolitical issues be best articulated by a hard body?

When in early August 2007 then-Russian President Vladimir Putin stood for the ruggedly designed topless holiday photos that coined the phrase ‘Putin’s pecs’, the international public applauded the obvious governmental merits of his impressive physique. “Our President has a great body. A President like this should stay for another term, don’t you think so? I think so. Great body.” said one Russian woman when asked about the photos by a reporter from British Al Jazeera. Not since Benito Mussolini’s topless escapades had a national leader displayed such virility and strength. Armed with the musculature of grecian ideals, he was clearly fit to lead his country…and arguably still does. Perhaps he will not truly fall from power until gravity claims his physique too.

Our obsession with the carnal, corporeal minutia of powerful figures is based on the key political issue of aesthetics debated today, a discourse more universally mastered than any other. For example, if Sarkozy does in fact have love handles, can we ever talk about his government? Does Stephen Harper’s sweater vest make him more approachable or is it rather a bit stuffy? Does Sarah Palin look like the “toned-down version of the porn actress look”? There are a handful of dubious persons who claim these are but mere distractions from the real issues, that they are in fact a detriment to mature and critical discussion — such people are likely not fans of CNN and other major media outlets. Where are they getting their news from anyways?

In celebration of our Great Debate on physical attributes and accessories, and in the aim of furthering this noble discourse, what follows is a list of the best and brightest leaders, the most noble, courageous and cult-of-personality-worthy political stars of recent memory. Were you to walk past these men on the street no doubt you would double-take. If they approached you in a darkened bar you would weaken. It must then follow that they are the greatest leaders of the 20th Century.

Vladimir Putin

The bear of the north who shot a tiger can also be related to all other animals that have been used in sexual idioms. Known to pose topless, he once inferred that his beliefs may appear as a “political striptease.”

Benito Mussolini

Fascists really understood fashion. Reknowned for his sexual appetite, he fathered several children, had countless mistresses, and a myriad of sexual encounters with devoted followers.

Mustafa Ataturk

While secular in policy, the 1st president of Turkey has known many women in the “Biblical sense”. Strong jawed, a sharp dresser, he also enjoys horseback riding and is an avid dancer.

Fidel Castro

Though once one of the most stunning men on earth, he has done a poor job preserving his image….perhaps this relates to the initial glory and subsequent poverty of his movement.

Charles Taylor

His hunger for torture and murder must surely translate to a delightful, healthy form of sexual sadomasochism. His son “Chuckie” Taylor also follows after his father but unfortunately has been sentenced to 97 years for murder and torture.

Well fear no more! A comprehensive How-to be Evil site by Neil Zawacki will solve all your problems!

Here you will learn about the forces of darkness, goals and objectives (so that you too have something to aspire to!), browse through ideas for suitable lair locations and even fashion tips! Because you know the ye-vil ones are also the ones with the best fashion taste!

Wait no more, world domination awaits!

Click here to read: So you’ve decided to be evil – A step-by-step guide to joining the forces of darkness!

I don’t know who was more scared, me or my lipstick. I don’t wear this shade anymore.