The tea caddy platter
Fell with a clatter,
The sugar brown
with gray matter.
But it was soon to transpire
That she did not expire

Wearing a napkin as a smock
He stabbed her with her fork
Till she was holey as toast
Did she at last give up the ghost

He then knifed her
with such fervor
To ensure she was truly dead,
Like a Thanksgiving turkey
Her gibbets fell on the jerky
And left the salad dressed in red.

Followed by a gesture
Of Oedipal measure;
He pulled out all the stops
And began to spoon her lifeless corpse.

The coroner said
in his Mainland drawl,
“Ne’er ‘ave I seen such a sprawl”
“I ‘ave seen brats do their worse,
but up till now dis brat’s wurst!”
“De things he did when ‘e off’d ‘er,
‘Ave you seen a more literal motherforker?”

Anyway, do you think I said ‘dead’ and ‘death’ enough?

Die!

On to the quotes from his books and his person:

• A common mistake that people make when trying to design something completely foolproof is to underestimate the ingenuity of complete fools.
• He hoped and prayed that there wasn’t an afterlife. Then he realized there was a contradiction involved here and merely hoped that there wasn’t an afterlife.
• I don’t believe it. Prove it to me and I still won’t believe it.
• I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I intended to be.
• I think fish is nice, but then I think that rain is wet, so who am I to judge?
• I’m spending a year dead for tax reasons.
• If it looks like a duck, and quacks like a duck, we have at least to consider the possibility that we have a small aquatic bird of the family anatidae on our hands.
• In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.
• The difficulty with this conversation is that it’s very different from most of the ones I’ve had of late. Which, as I explained, have mostly been with trees.
• The major difference between a thing that might go wrong and a thing that cannot possibly go wrong is that when a thing that cannot possibly go wrong goes wrong it usually turns out to be impossible to get at and repair.
• There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable.There is another theory which states that this has already happened.
• This must be Thursday. I never could get the hang of Thursdays.
• We have normality. I repeat, we have normality. Anything you still can’t cope with is therefore your own problem.
• You live and learn. At any rate, you live.

I love you..

Well fear no more! A comprehensive How-to be Evil site by Neil Zawacki will solve all your problems!

Here you will learn about the forces of darkness, goals and objectives (so that you too have something to aspire to!), browse through ideas for suitable lair locations and even fashion tips! Because you know the ye-vil ones are also the ones with the best fashion taste!

Wait no more, world domination awaits!

Click here to read: So you’ve decided to be evil – A step-by-step guide to joining the forces of darkness!

I don’t know who was more scared, me or my lipstick. I don’t wear this shade anymore.