The tea caddy platter
Fell with a clatter,
The sugar brown
with gray matter.
But it was soon to transpire
That she did not expire

Wearing a napkin as a smock
He stabbed her with her fork
Till she was holey as toast
Did she at last give up the ghost

He then knifed her
with such fervor
To ensure she was truly dead,
Like a Thanksgiving turkey
Her gibbets fell on the jerky
And left the salad dressed in red.

Followed by a gesture
Of Oedipal measure;
He pulled out all the stops
And began to spoon her lifeless corpse.

The coroner said
in his Mainland drawl,
“Ne’er ‘ave I seen such a sprawl”
“I ‘ave seen brats do their worse,
but up till now dis brat’s wurst!”
“De things he did when ‘e off’d ‘er,
‘Ave you seen a more literal motherforker?”

In her wedding dress, white as a dove
Her hand so soft, in that satin glove
As I stood on the altar
I thanked the heavens above
For blessing me, with my one true love.

The union you are about to enter today is the closest and most tender of all relationships in which human beings can come

I have traveled the world, many a place I have been
But never have I been happier than to be beside
The woman whom I made my bride

But now to the other side I must go
Three weeks or less, the doctor told me so
Though bewrought with fear, I must persevere
To be stronger for those whom I hold dear

Love never fails, never fades out, never becomes obsolete or comes to an end

I picture her leaving
The doors unlocked for me
She had come to understand
That I’d always forget my key

I picture her making
Double the food she needs
And then realizing
I’m down feeding the weeds

I picture her looking
At the photographs from a happier time
Always together
My hand in hers, her hand in mine

I picture her alone
In a house now cold
Reminiscing of the plans we made
For when we both got old

I picture the situation in reverse
Of if my wife had left me first
How I must live in sorrow
In a life just waiting for tomorrow

Will you love her, comfort her, honour and keep her in sickness and in
health, and forsaking all others keep her and only her as long as you both shall live?

I remember our wedding vows,
That if she’d live a thousand years
Then I would live a thousand, less one day
To spare me of the tears

I should have asked what she would have thought
Though she makes nary a peep
But it is to be expected
Since I decapitated her in her sleep

You may kiss the bride

He resorted to acts of indiscretion
in a futile bid for female attention
In one stunt he ran out of luck
and got run over by a truck

Praise the medical profession
for they prevented a funeral procession
They rebuilt him with electronic parts
With an xBox, Playstation, even Mario Kart

These additions brought him joy
for who could resist a Game Boy?

But alas, he still didn’t get the dames
Cause most girls weren’t interested in games
Boys came to him like honey attracts the bee
Until Nintendo released the Wii

Now sitting alone on the shelf
He’s resorted to playing with himself